Current mood:	guilty
Current music:	"SongsThat I Can't Play" -Eliot Bronson

The boyfriend box...
My mom has been bugging me to do a spring cleaning of sorts on my room... so last night I decided I would get started today. I guess it was in that spirit that I decided to pull out of my closet my "boyfriend box" before going to bed. I think a lot of girls have this kind of a thing-- basically a box (in my case a shoebox) that has ex boyfriend paraphernalia-- corsages, letters, photos, etc. I don't know why girls save this stuff or what exactly possessed me to look at it last night, but it probably wasn't the best decision I made yesterday.

In the box I found all of the above mentioned things... and I noticed a few things in particular that forced me to do some thinking. One thing was that I had nothing in the box from the one relationship I've been in that lasted more than 3 months. That could be a function of the fact that it ended after I got to Cornell and since the box stays at home, stuff never got to it (though, come to think of it, there was probably a corsage or two from dances I went to with said boyfriend (Zach for those of you who care)).

The other thing that struck me came about from reading the notes and letters in the box. What occurred to me was that I've been a pretty horrible girlfriend... the letters had really beautiful expressions of feelings for me and I can't remember that I ever wrote a similar word back. I don't know what my deal is, but I've had this tendency to find myself in a really uncomfortable place in relationships, which is when it becomes clear to me that whoever I'm dating feels much more strongly about me than I feel about them. If you've never been in this position, it really sucks. I know for a fact that this happened the first time because I was simply not ready for a relationship. I don't really have an explanation for the other times... All I know is that the relationship doesn't start off in said place; it just comes about as time passes.

Needless to say, I wasn't feeling great about myself after all was said and done with the "boyfriend box." I was very tempted to throw 90% of the stuff away right then and there... I didn't... maybe because I'm hoping it will serve as a reminder of the mistakes I've made... who knows.